The Balance....of Thanksgiving and You've Got To Be Kidding!

*We got our first, major snow storm here in Declo this week. Well, first and second and third.....combined with wind from somewhere very unholy, I'm pretty sure. It has been SO cold, but it's also been so pretty! I am a fall girl, not a winter girl. My mother (and her inner Indian) would have winter 365 days a year if she could. How we are related, I'm not sure. I'm still checking into the accuracy of hospital records from the 70's. :o) But this year, it's been delightful. You just can't have Thanksgiving and Christmas without major snow. The balance?? Why, o why, do we have to defy death and DRIVE in it??? Oh, that's right. We live in Idaho, and we live in Declo......

*My sweet husbnd is VERY good about keeping things shoveled and cleaned up when we have a snowfall, let alone the pour down that we got this week. He came right home from work and shoveled our driveway and then into the street so we could get the car out of the garage. (Remember, Declo doesn't have snow service that cleans the streets for you). We also feed this little family of kitties, so I tried to scoop a little path on the back patio where they could get to their food. It was very heavy snow, so I decided not to do too much. After we both come in, it's not 10 minutes later that there is a plow on our street, attempting to clear a path for our vehicles and in the process, piling it right in front of our driveway! Three feet of packed snow......um, duh! So little Darren goes back out there, to dig us out again. Ya gotta be kidding me. I too, look into the back yard and see my path, my lovely path, is now completely covered because the wind keeps drifting the snow. Sigh. Time to get the kitties fitted for snow boots I guess. :o)

*I have the hardest time finding boots. It's amazing. Either snow or dress for winter, it's a drama made for T.V. I finally find some but the only store close to us is in Utah. I think, "great", we are headed down there anyway, I'll have Darren's mom run over and grab them for me. After finally getting her, and after she got over there and they found my order, I have boots! Well, I will have them once we get to Utah. Then this morning, I open our mail, and what do you know??? A 20% coupon for that very store, for their boot line! You've got to be kidding me. Poor girl at the boot store....she gets to hear from me again this week. You guys really ought to send her a sympathy card. :o)

*Being pregnant with Muhammad Ali has it's bonuses. When our little girl is in a "work out" mode, she can wake me up she's so active. However, she's a faker.....in faking shyness. How do they know how to do that so little?? The minute someone's hand is on my belly, she quits. Dead quick about it too! I think everyone thinks that I am a big, fat liar because she will NOT kick on cue. It's really quite comical, except for those who really want to feel her and she won't let them. A surprise attack is the only way. I'm going to have to have peoples' hands glued to my belly for a 24 hour period in order to feel less Pinocchio-like. However, the fun part is to have such an active baby at this point. It's a feeling of relief to feel her moving about in there. It's also a delight to look down and see my shirt moving! Yeah, again....no one believes me with that one either.

Gotta Do It

It's the season, so you will have to indulge me doing a Thankful List:

#1--My Parents
Who have been monumentally supportive of me/us while I have been pregnant. They have helped us haul furniture back and forth a gazillion times, taken me shopping for baby stuff to get a few things ready, won't let me lift anything over the weight of a kitten, drive myself anywhere, my mother has rubbed my achy feet and my dad my back without me saying a word. Amidst all of this, have been very excited and love to watch me in this process. I'm a grateful girl.

#1--My Husband (it's a tie)
Who has been going to work, and in school working on a Master's, and taking care of the yard alone, and cleaning after our cats, and making me food along with keeping me on an eating schedule, who gets up with me when I'm throwing up and tucks me in when it's bed time, who drives me everywhere as he doesn't like me traveling alone either, who lets me bring another kitten home so I can "babysit" when he knows I just need some kitten time. Who never complains when I make scrambled eggs AGAIN, and who willingly and cheerfully eats leftovers more than anyone I know. The husband who was a huge help in getting our nursery organized and cleaned out so we actually have somewhere to put our little one when she comes and during all this gets cold and manages to still keep going. Cheerfully, even. What a darlin'.

#2--My Brother Jake
.....who was deployed this week for Iraq. Who has NEVER been away from home for longer than a couple of nights at a time until he joined the Reserves. Ah, Jacob.......our family isn't complete without you. I love you, brother.

#3--Unexpected Miracles
Yeah.......I just can't wait to meet her.........

#4--Little Creatures
Kittens.....horses......otters......puppies.....pretty much anything that contains Life, fascinates me. I adore the creatures of the world....and if it isn't adoration, it's fascination for sure.

#5--The Season of Christmas
The new energy in stores......mint and orange flavored Kit Kats......the MUSIC.....the movies......the lights.....the preparation. I ADORE Christmas. This Christmas, I am SO SO SO grateful I don't have to ride anywhere on a donkey. Oh my!

Go Shutterfly!

So....Shutterfly is giving away free, 50 of them, Christmas cards if you blog about them and this promotion. I've only used Shutterfly for a few photo options, as they are new to me, but I am anxious to try this Christmas card promotion and see how we like it. My sister-in-law has used their services multiple times and always seems very happy with what they do.
I was looking around their website and since I live far, far away from civilization, I love how many options are available not only for Christmas car ideas, but for calendars, stationary, etc.....almost anything you can personalize you can do. What fun ideas I am having for Christmas!
Click http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards to see options on Christmas card ideas! One thing I love is that they offer Christmas cards with a religious theme, if you want it. I am SO tired of seeing nothing about Christmas, and only about "holidays."
They have calendars, aprons, shirts, puzzles, life size posters, stickers, gift certificates, ornaments, keepsake boxes, and just about anything else you can imagine. I always thought making ties with little photographs on it was a little kitschy and kinda dumb, but there are some fun variations of items that we all use that can be personalized in a fun way. I LOVE technology when used like this. So fun! Be sure and make sure those Christmas cards make it to the Lotz family here in Idaho. Ahem. :o)

Video From Her Ultrasound

It's really hard to tell what is what in an ultrasound video, but this is one Darren took and isn't too bad. At first you are looking at her from the top of the head, and then the tech shifts to see her from the side, and then back to the top of the head again. You can see her little heart beating and at one point, her spinal cord. I thought that was so neat! At the beginning, you get a really great shot of her feet and leg.

Catching Up from Being a Zombie

Since I am getting back into being a human person in the Land of the Living, we have a few things to catch up on. Somehow, this pregnancy, has not allowed me to be on the computer (at all in the beginning) or do too much driving, so I am playing catch up! Since I was a whiner in my last post, which isn't common for me, I am committed to the balance of joy. Which is where I'd rather land anyway, sick and all. :o) So, here are a few pictures of our little "bumpette" and the day we went to the ultrasound. This is a photo outside of the hospital where we are planning on delivering. My cousin Leslie was a sweetheart to come (driving 3 hours to be there) with us to our ultrasound. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have had the faith that this blessing would ever be ours, without Leslie's constant faith and continually reminding me that I would be a mother. One of those times that I had to lean on the faith of another.......literally. With our history in this department, it was difficult for Darren and I to trust that this was for real, and this baby was for sure, and everything was okay. We'd work on it continually but there is that human side that prepares itself and you for the "just in case" scenario. "Just in case" was more true to our experience, so it truly was an act of faith to trust. After the first sonogram and after the ultrasound, you could almost feel the sighs of relief across the globe from Darren and I collectively feeling like we could settle into this whole pregnancy thing. On this one, Darren seemed a little more cautious than I was, which is major role reversal for us. Probably on account that he now had to girls to worry about if everything wasn't all right. What a fun day it was to see our little one! I love living in the age of technology, for reason like this. These next two are....well, horrible of me. We always would remember to journal our baby progress with photos, in the evening. Hair brushed, no make-up, and not looking gorgeous at all. This just shows how much I love you guys that I would brave the Internet looking like a mountain troll. :o) This is about week 16.....This is about week 20ish......
My shirt, the only "kitschy" one I have bought says "Embrace the Bump" on the front. I thought it was kind of cute and my mother insisted I have one shirt that is kitschy. I conceided.

Ugggghhhhh

On days like today, I am very grateful for a husband who is so amazing and so supportive. I am pretty sure that after the last few months, I would be a welcome addition to State Hospital South without his help and support. Seriously. Although much of this phase has passed......
......there seem to be new phases right after the old ones. Like the phase I am in now. Fatigue seems to be the battle of the day. Like monster-mono fatigue. Trying to figure out something that sounds good to eat seems impossible, especially when you factor in that it has to be like 50,000 times per day. Ugghhhh. If I have to cook it.....blehhhh......start over.
I also seem to want to take my cats to the pound. If you know me, you know that my stomach turns over and the tears are right there when I see road kill. I worry that I care more about the world's animals than I do people and I carry this fear inside me that there is an animal somewhere that is being mistreated. So this is a new one. We've been kitten sitting for the last few days and it's been such fun to have a little one around that is playful, healthy, and affectionate. I am weary of dealing with health issues with my own cat or the other one that is great companionship for the first one, but not so much for humans.
At the beginning of this pregnancy, we were so excited and surprised, we really couldn't have cared less about anyone who wasn't equally excited and/or supportive. Now that we are closing in on the 6 month mark in a few weeks, to experience the contrast is difficult! Luckily, most everyone has been darling and patient......and very enthusiastic. It just takes one or two to deflate that a bit these days, and it's very frustrating. What happened to my thick skinned side??
Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday, and this year I might be content on skipping right over it and enjoying Christmas. Can you enjoy Christmas if you skip over Thanksgiving? Not sure.
Okay......I never appreciate those who use FB or their blog to whine about life. I promise to be better. Promise. The good news is............I'll keep you posted.

Her First Photo Shoot.....

Ultrasound photos aren't ever that spectacular, as far as resolution is concerned, but I still had to post these for those of you who are dying to see them and don't live near us. We'll keep this G-rated as this is a family blog, but it sure it funny how at this stage of life, how interested people are at seeing a picture of you and ALL your parts. This appointment took FOREVER to come around. My mushy brain was in full swing and I was dying to know that there really was a baby in there, and really anxious to make sure all was well, and really excited to know what we were having so we could plan! This whole pregnancy has been a huge surprise, so knowing at least one thing was important to me. It was so fun!
It's interesting to me to note too, that the minute we found out we were having a girl, it's like this baby was always a girl. That relationship solidifies so quickly the more info you get.
So here is our little girl in her first debut.....a picture of her arm, flexed I'm sure. Very buff.
And then a profile picture.....This is important as we need to be prepared to see if she has the Lotz family nose, or my buggy eyes. I have a feeling, however, that I neither of us would even care should that be the case. :o)

It's A..........GIRL!

Having only come this far in this pregnancy, there are 2 appointments that take FOREVER to come around. The first appointment with my Dr and the ultrasound appointment. Leading up to both appointments, the really optimistic part in my brain kicks in and wonders "what if I am just getting chubby and there really isn't a baby in there??" Even though all evidence is to the contrary, my nature in the baby department is preparing for the worst and evidently, the most weird and impossible. The ultrasound appointment wasn't any different......even with evidence like this..... I am realizing how much more is a matter of faith and trust, even when there is obvious proof, because my brain turns to illogical mush and tries to function when things are too good or too exciting.
When we got home from our ultrasound, this is what awaited us on my mother's front porch...
We were to pop the balloons of whatever we weren't having. Darren was so cute about it too. He grabbed a pink one and then popped the blue ones with the other hand, so for a minute, he had psyched everyone out on what we were having. My aunt and my mother are so cute about things like this. It makes the worry diminish greatly when there is so much excitement and positive energy about this process wherever we go. We finally took time to read what was on the balloon. A picture of our final balloon by our baby girl.....(as close as you can get, I guess) And then big kisses from her Daddy.....Sometimes I don't want to breathe for fear I will wake up and find I was dreaming. I adore my husband, we are having a baby finally, he loves his job, we love our little home and our community, and we have such a supportive family. My cup truly runneth over. When the Lord said that He would "pour out blessings upon your heads, so much that you would not have room enough to receive it" I now know what He means. My heart isn't big enough for the gratitude I feel. What a beautiful place to relax into.....

Gratitude For Friends, Old & New

Now that 24/7 morning sickness has eased a bit, I feel that I am more in touch with the land of the living. Truly, I feel like a coma patient (without the luxury of the coma part) who just missed the last 3 months of life.

During that time I had the best care and support from my sweet Declo friends. I wish I had the gift of "knowing." This isn't a testimonial-type gift, like knowing the Gospel, or knowing that life continues beyond this life. I have that down pretty good. It's the knowing what to do in the now. When I hear about someone in our ward, who lost a family member or is ill, I always feel my heart ache for them, but I never ever know how to reach out or what to do. That must be why I have friends that are so good at it and just do it. I need the examples desperately. How do you know when to take dinner in, and what day to do it, and what to make??? How do you know when to make a phone call, or when a note is better, or when to wait so you aren't smothering them???

The one gift I envy of the Savior's, is the gift of knowing that He paid such a price for in Gethsemane. The gift of knowing how every moment of each of our lives would feel. I can often feel a glimpse of what others might be going through, and I stand amazed by the people around me......but knowing how to best support them, not so good.

When we were in Utah this weekend for BYU's homecoming game, we went to church at our old ward. Most everyone, by now, has heard our news about this miracle/surprise baby coming to our family. It was such a treat to see everyone, as it's not very often we are in Utah and not very often we are there to go to church. After Sacrament Meeting, I had quite a few friends who came up to hug me and congratulate us and it turned into a cry fest. These old friends who I forget have watched us and prayed for us, as long as we have been trying and praying. Some friends who have also spent much time, money, and years to have their children as well, who KNOW what it's like to be on both sides of the fence.

I have always felt that family is truly what you make it, and my friends are dear to me as my family. They have been my family. Today, I am truly grateful that I have always been blessed with such good, grounded, centered, Christ-like friends......I need them. I need their examples, as I so stand in need of improving.

My Body Has Been Taken Hostage.....

So, I have an ego. I didn't realize this until recently. For those of you who are on their 12th baby in 5 years, you'll have to just indulge my fascination with this whole process of pregnancy.
One of my least favorite words in all creation is "assume." Just ask my poor husband. There are days I can loathe the word. Luckily, I also assume much more than I think I do.
For example, I really thought that since I inherited my mother's hair, her eyes, and many other qualities, I would automatically inherit her ability to be a pioneer-type pregnant woman. You know the kind. They get pregnant really easy, they look amazing even pregnant, they aren't sick ever, they can still mow the lawn at 40 weeks, and have a labor that lasts all of 15 minutes and then they are back to their normal routine. Not so, with the daughter. Wow.
My cousin and I both have mothers like that. Hers happens to be my mother's oldest sister. In the last 2 months when Darren has texted me asking what I am doing my usual answer is "praying for death." Or "praying for death over the toilet."
My ego got in the way.....I thought my experience would be like my dear mother's. Nope. I've had my share of surgeries and health stuff and flu and and and and......it's nothing compared to morning sickness, which is a big fat lie, since it lasts for 3 solid months steady. No break. All day, all night, holy cow.
The part that is fascinating to me is how I am just dragged along for the ride. I don't get to choose anymore what I want for dinner. I don't get to choose what outfit I can wear anymore. I have this aversion to noise, my computer, and for a person who appreciates autonomy......this baby knows when Darren isn't home. And we both miss him terribly even when he's only gone for the day. It's such a weird feeling to watch my tummy grow, without my consent, and our little one is clear about what I can and cannot eat or do. It's amazing.
I feel very grateful for this experience. I'm grateful for the blessing of waiting. I know it has helped me not take it for granted. Every new facet is fascinating to me. What I am averse to that I wasn't before. It will be fascinating to see if any of this is a pre-game show of the personality of this little one. It's amazing to me, that even at this stage, they come with their own personality. Okay.....that's all. :o)

Miracles....

For those of you who don't know yet, Darren and I found out about 2 weeks ago that I am pregnant. In fact, I am about 14 weeks and due in March.For us, after 11 years of trying, hoping, wondering, doctors, needles, money, money, needles, worry, loss, failed adoptions, etc.......it is a miracle on a scale grander than we would dare expect or hope for.
I began to wonder if I needed to wrap my mind and heart around never being a mother. How do you do that? It's like trying to wrap around being a panther. A piece of who you are, would be missing.

As I look back on this process that has brought me in touch with levels of emotion I didn't know I was capable of, I am grateful for those who have shared their candle of faith with me. I've not experienced a process more excruciating than this one. Without my cousin Leslie constantly telling me there are babies coming....there are babies coming, I might have thrown in the towel sooner. Without my niece Megan asking Darren EVERY TIME she saw him, when we were going to have a baby, he might have too. Without my dear Declo friends always looking out for me and being such beautiful examples of emotional and physical support, the weight on my heart might have too much. The support of my husband, and my Mom, and my friends Janet & Cecile before this baby came and during these past few months has been truly vital. Truly.

I'm not sure what changed in the math of our equation. Why now? And I don't really care, but I find it fascinating. We took a pause from doing any fertility treatments in January. We (I) thought maybe it was time to stop altogether. So to become pregnant without any "trying", or planning, or tests, or blood work....just out of the blue, is truly a miracle.

I know it's difficult to really get if you've not spent the time we have pursuing this, but I think we all know what it is like to long for something. To feel that a piece is missing. To wonder what more you could be doing. If you are a mother, imagining your life without the children you have and what that would mean to you. We all have those struggles and those moments.

I know I have learned much and am grateful for those who stay the path, amidst the adversity. Who take the high road when they have every reason not to. Who are good in deed not just in word. Thank you for being part of my journey.....

Being Brave.....or something

It's often a Lotz Family tradition to spend some time in Park City during the summer. Because of Darren's work/school schedule this year we were only able to be there for the day. So, we decided to pack it in. Literally.
We did the Alpine slide, and then the Ultra Zipline, and the Xtreme Zipline all in one day. One after the other, actually. I've never done a zipline. I know the general concept but it's impossible to describe the feeling of falling down a mountain until the weight of your body creates a little resistance with the line. On the Xtreme, you are going about 55 mph......and it feels like that at the beginning. It's at the Olympic Park over the Aeriel's jump.......
Two victims in front of us on the smaller of the 2 ziplines...
Me on the ski lift whilst heading to the big ONE
The Xtreme zipline to the right along with the Olympic park sign.....crazy!

A City.....of Rocks?

Zachary, my youngest brother came to our house for a few days. We decided to take one day and head up to the City of Rocks. Lame, you think? I thought that too when I heard the name. Then I realized it wasn't far from our house and there isn't anything too cool around Burley, Idaho, so I wasn't prepared to enjoy my time. However, it's a national park, so why not check it out. Other than lacking a significant body of water anywhere nearby, it really is cool. Really. It looks like something out of a prehistoric land and the rock formation are some of the most unique I've ever seen in my travels. This is a shot taken from the west side. You actually come in on the east, but I like this shot best. I wish I can pan around and show you the whole valley. It's much better than this photo.
One of our latest finds.....this rock formation that felt like a little house more than just a rock. Perfect for resting in the shade. My brother, Zachary, found this and it's so cool inside!
We went to the very top of the park to work our way down. This formation is called, very appropriately, Loaves of Bread. There were some climbers and "repellers" on top and so I snapped a shot of these brave people. My stomach flip flops just looking at these pictures! Can you see the little, tiny person on top???This photo was taken on top of Treasure Rock. When you get to the very top, our car was about 1/8 of an inch. It's crazy! Because of the quality of the granite, however, it makes the rocks almost sticky. I was surprised just wearing my Keens how easily I could climb.
This one is called Window Arch. It's a favorite of mine. Darren is also a favorite of mine, so it's perfect. It was such a nice day to hike, feed a chipmunk, enjoy the sun, and drink in the beauties and grandeur of this planet we live on. To share it with 2 of the most important people in the world to me, was bliss!

The Sargent Family Biking Trip to Skull Canyon

I come from an avid biking family. No, not the pedal bikes, although I love doing that too. Motorcycles. Dirt bikes in particular, although my mother and brother both have a 750 street bike. At quite a young age, I learned to ride a 2 stroke 250. If that bike fell on me, I wouldn't be able to get it off of me. The solution? Don't ever wreck! :o)
Last week, as a family, we took an all day biking trip to Skull Canyon. This is the summit from which we took our family picture. Isn't it beautiful? It's rare to get every member of my immediate family on one outing. For just a minute, although I missed Darren being there, it was fun to just marinate in the moment.
One of the many trails we could see from the summit.

Skull Canyon is one of the many mining towns in the area. We discovered this abandoned mine in our travels. You had to crawl down a small hole to get to it, but what a cool shaft! Something about the history of this area is so appealling to me and yet, it kinda gives me the creepy crawlies. My niece, Cora, and I were "twins" since I put both of us in 2 braids. We also found a flower that we thought would add to our dirty loveliness......I end up looking like Little Cindy Loo-Hoo, however. My mother managed to capture my gorgeous biking hair in the cave.....thanks, Mom.
One of many pictures of me with the men in my life. This one with my youngest brother Zachary. When, pray tell, did I become the shortest and wimpiest of the bunch?? I remember when my bark, although worse than my bite, was much bigger and taller than all my younger siblings. I can't believe how quickly we are all growing up. I expect that being the oldest. When I see it in my brothers' lives......it all feels too quick.

The Dingo Bit My Finger....

So, being July in Idaho this year, it's finally spring. Seriously, the weather has been poo. However, we had a couple of beautiful days a couple of weeks ago and so I thought to myself "it is SOOOOO time to clean the windows." Because our house isn't a split level, our windows get hit with water. Any water....hence, hard water. My 3 hour project turned into 7 hours with all the scrubbing, rinsing, and re-scrubbing, all atop a ladder that isn't fit to be called a ladder.
As I was doing our windows on our french doors out to our patio, I worried that the cleaner might get into the little box where the baby kittens sleep. So like an idiot, I put my gloved hand in there to make sure there weren't in there, and if they were, to pull them out and let them run around whilst I worked. The one black one that was in there, thinking he was nearing death's door, crunched me a couple of times. I have learned that kittens have very strong jaws. And sharp teeth. And big gloved hands scare them. And wild kittens cause major infection 90% of the time. And I should listen to the 50 people who ordered me to get a tetanus shot. And shots aren't any more fun at 34 than they were at 4.
The little Offender.....
Little Offender's Family......playing follow the leader in the backyard with Baby Kung Fu.....
The beautiful Flax I have in my backyard.....I love it!
One of my favorite things about Declo....the sunsets are beautiful and go on forever. It helps to see these because there isn't ONE building to hide them. Maybe a tree, but that just adds to the photo.

With Darren working on his Masters program this summer, we've had very little vacation time. We knew that. I'm still a little disappointed as it is the only time he can take vacations. However, there are little adventures we'll take this summer, so we'll try and keep you posted. Or we'll make up stuff and post that. Either way. :o)

The Complexities of Father's Day.....

Somehow this year, I managed to forget that Father's Day was the very next Sunday after my birthday. I'm not sure where my brain is lately, but it dawned on me yesterday that I haven't sent anything. To my fathers, heap big apologies.
I realize that today, many people don't have just one father. Or maybe they just don't have one "dad". I don't know. Children's lives are filled with a "real" dad, a step-dad (at least one), a father-in-law, and then sometimes, if they are lucky.....a father figure who chooses to be a strengthening part of their lives.
I've always felt that the role of "Dad" in my life, came to me in parts. And I guess I know the ideal and yet if all of those parts love me, I'm eternally grateful for that. And they do.
I have a friend who has a profound relationship with her dad. Whenever we would hang out together, or today when I read her blogs, I feel a sense of longing for her experience. I am also grateful for those who chose to be part of my world because they wanted to be. And that is plenty and to spare.
One of the many things I love about my father-in-law is inability to judge others along with his ability to take anyone in stride. He's steady. He's gentle. He's available. I have yet to hear him tear down another human being, in person or in conversation. He seems to find the best in people or waits until it appears. I am sure he did this with me. This is not to say we haven't had to work through some things or that at times we've had to find our own place together, but there have been many times I have been more than unfair. I love you, Dad. Thank you for the gift of you. My parents surprised me with an iTouch this year for my birthday. It isn't something I had really ever considered. My Dad picked it out, after some guidance from my mother (who is so good at knowing what I might like). My Dad loves Glenn Beck. I love to make fun of him for loving Glenn Beck. I love to make kissing sounds when Glenn is on, ask my Dad how he envisions his wedding day with Glenn, tease him that I accidentally deleted the recording of Glenn's show while he was at work, and on and on. For Father's Day this year, my brother and I went in on a Glenn Beck shirt for him. Not much tickles him, but this did.
As I thought about a man that would willing adopt a child that isn't his, and whom he is barely getting to know, I am grateful for him more each year. I have to sometimes remember a day when life felt more unsettling and worrisome. It feels constant now, especially pertaining to him. I've never seen him upset, he never raises his voice, he always has an arm to put around me, and even amidst some serious health trials, manages to maintain a patient attitude and a humorous outlook on life. I love you, Dad. And so does Glenn. :) I can't acknowledge tomorrow without a post for my uncle. My mother's sister's husband, mind you. Uncle by marriage and being the one consistent priesthood holder in my life. My uncle Bill has been a part of my life from the beginning, but he's been a constant part of all those rites of passage in church life. He baptised me, he was with me my first time through the temple, he was there was I was married and was ready to be a witness should my dad's health prevent him from being at the temple. Throughout my life, the constant was Grandpa Snow and Bill. Grandpa Snow passed away a few years ago and I felt a part of my history go with him.
I love my uncle Bill. I am so grateful for his influence and strength in my young life. Today, I am a better person because of the person he was for me. I love you Bill.

Plenty of Time for Thinking

Darren is on a week-long "boys" training for work in Sun Valley this week, so I am a temporary widow or single again. Not sure. I always look forward to this week at the beginning of the summer. Although it is work, and they are in session most of the day, it's a chance to do a little guy bonding without wives in the way. The Church is very inclusive with wives and families, as they often tell us they don't just hire the men, they hire the wives as well. Some days, it really feels like another calling, but my husband most every day, loves to go to work. What a blessing to me to know he is happy in his chosen profession.

While Darren is gone I get a chance to really miss him. I get a lot of chores done that I have wanted to do. I also get a lot, a lot of thinking time. We've been married for over 11 years now and I am so grateful to be in a place in our relationship that we can truly be who we are, and truly "see" each other. It's nice to know another person so well, that often these days we are seconds behind each other in saying or feeling or doing the exact same thing. I appreciate anew someone who can handle themselves on their own, and yet, when we are together we make a terrific team.

Our lives are all about families. In the end, it's thing we care about and worry about most. Hopefully we feel that at the beginning too. And in the middle when everything seems to be going right and there isn't much "new" to expect. I like the middle. I like appreciating all Darren is and does, anew. We are born into our families of origin, and then we marry and are creators of our own families, and on and on. I realized that I am one person away from being alone in my family of creation. That truly increased my gratitude for this person I've chosen to be with for so long. I love you, Darren. To the size of Oliver and to the amount of driving we do, to the power of infinity.

This is us at Seminary graduation....obviously just before we were finished for the night. My poor hair was behaving like a 2 year old and I was a tired girl. But it was a very fun night. I love Seminary graduation.

Yes, another grass update.....sorry. The first mowing of our grass of the season. It has only been a year that this yard has been finished. Doesn't it look great?? Compare the before and after pictures. Seriously.....I can't believe I thought it would be so easy to put a yard in. We are now professionals. Here Darren is pictured with our mammoth tomatoes, but you can see there isn't a spot of grass anywhere outside the garden. I was careful to try and capture the best parts of our yard, not the frightening ones.

And this is our yard today.....I LOVE seeing green!Thank you, spring, for ever coming......everDarren and I were outside sitting on our Adirondack chairs enjoying the evening when he looked in this box my brother made for me and told me there was a new cat inside. Mind you, the few cats we get at our house, are so unbelievably wild they would not hang out to have Darren poking his head inside the box. I told him I saw all of them scatter when we came outside, but he swore up and down there was someone in there. As he started to gently put his hand in there, I nearly had a heart attack! "Darren, are you nuts??? You could get rabies, or cat leukemia, or infection, or your hand entirely chewed off....." so he ran to get the flashlight. As we very cautiously shine the light in, we see fur. Black fur with a spot of orange fur. Then we see movement. Then we see 2, no 3, no 5 legs?!?! What?!?!! We had 4 little kittens.....brand new, little kittens inside sleeping. I guess the 2 moms brought their kittens to our house to be safer. So CUTE!

So, we get home from a few days in Idaho Falls. While we are there, we are blessed to enjoy about 5 hours of sunlight. Total. Grrrrrr.
While we are there, my sister and I gave my mother a weeded and newly planted corner flower bed, for Mother's Day. Yep, 2 weeks ago. We have been waiting for it to stop raining and SNOWING to get going on this project. Not happening yet. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
My brother Jake makes it home from Oklahoma after being gone for 5 months at boot camp and specialized training. He comes home with an eye infection and without glasses to wear plus the weather is yucky, so no motorcycling for the Sargent family. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Darren and I make it home to our house, just in time to miss protecting our newly planted veggie garden, from frost. So all our pepper plants AND tomato plants are dead. Frozen. Dead. It's the end of May, for Pete's sake. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
It's official....I've become a Mother Nature/weather Grouch.

Mother's Day....and the longest post, ever.

I was reading a few days ago and the author, talking about her concerns in the world we live in, said, "It takes a village to raise a child, and most girls don't have a village." I pondered that and applied it to my own life. Who is in my village? On this Mother's Day, I want to thank those who have been my "village."
My mom, I'm sure, had serious questions about all things parental the day I became a teenager. Worry, stress, worry, hope, stress, arguing, hugging and everything that goes with that seems to go up on the negative side of the scale. Looking back, if you do it with any kind of responsibility and compassion, you realize that most everyone in your life, is doing the best they can. Or at least trying to. Even Mom. And maybe you really are "unreasonable" sometimes and a "pain in the rear" to parent some days. As we grow older, the gift of being older is wisdom, but the wisdom comes as we do our looking back with new eyes. With a new heart. As we apply all things sacred and hard and rewarding about being a mother. We feel grateful for Mom in all her colors and realize it is part of the tapestry of who she is. I told my mom, in jest of course, that all my siblings were just copying me. I'm the one who made her a mother (as I am the oldest). Although I was kidding, there is some truth to that. We've known each other the longest.....and that's a lot of "looking back" time.
I have a friend that I have now known for 20 years. She was about my age now when we first met. It has been quite awhile since we've visited. The last couple of years we have lived closer and been able to see each other a little more frequently. Often, as I look at this relationship especially, we don't realize the impact another life can have on our own, until it's gone. Part of that is the nature of staying in the moment, and part of that is being less aware or grateful in those moments. My friend was my first experience of safety and love outside my family circle. As I do a little looking back, I am amazed at those who make you part of their brood, even when you aren't theirs. I have always believed that family is what you make it, the rest is paperwork. A relationship, with the foundation primarily built of materials one would get at an ethics meeting, can't convey the depth of one human nurturing another. I've watched her get a Masters and then a Doctorate, have 4 children, be a fantastic mother to those children, be a wife who truly loves her husband, and a myriad of other things. I have come to love her solid foundation of self, and yet be open completely to another person's truth. She reminds me often that I should be grateful for my hair and my ultra white skin (yes, I don't know why either) and I covet her ability to hold her own in any crowd, see a different person in me than I see, cry with me when I tell her a tender story, and have us both laughing in another moment. I have been a collector of mothers....and she's a jewel in that collection.
My aunt Catherine is one of those in my village that I now believe would have kidnapped me, dyed my corn silk baby hair black, and kept me for herself, if not for the unfailing love she has for my mother. I look back through baby pictures and there are A LOT of Cath holding me, and I know she really enjoyed me. I see a lot of myself in my aunt. In both my aunts, but particularly Cath. We both deal with bad headaches sometimes. Hers are migraines. We both have the same 2 teeth baby teeth that don't have permanent teeth below. We both have a unique sense of humor and find funny things in all kinds of strange places. We both love water (as do many in my family) and animals, and rooting for the underdog. We both hit rage if we see anyone being unkind to animals, babies, or old people. If we see a man in a western movie get shot, we worry about the horse that tumbled not the bleeding guy in the show. Is that bad? Thank you for being a part of my village. I love you.
When I was about 16 or so, my cousin, who is 3 years younger than my mother, moved back to IF. It was a time of growth for many in my family. My Dad was battling Chrones disease on and off for years and the couple of years before her move, it was scary bad. I honestly thought we would lose him. I found myself on this ledge-like feeling in my life. I felt overwhelmed and tired. So tired. I remember how very gently and kind of sneaky, she helped coach me back. As I look back on that time, I often am fascinated by who would think to notice me and who would know I needed some support. People who don't "have to" love you, but choose to. I do not believe in accidents, so I know I was born into the family I was for many reasons.....but I also know many were put on my path as one would toss flowers along your way, simply because something greater than you, knew you needed that gift. Thank you for being such a pretty pink flower on my path.
I have 2 nieces (actually 1st cousins once removed, but who wants to say that each time??? "Niece" is easier) who are 15 and almost 11. Although not mother figures, they are definitely an intimate and deep stronghold of my village. I've been granted many blessings in the lives of these 2 nieces. Namely, seeing one come into this world, and getting to be part of their lives from the very beginning. They are very different from each other, and so it has made me learn double what I would've otherwise. They are beautiful inside and out. They are grounded in who they are and positive energy wherever they go. They are funny, oh so funny, and came into my life when I was old enough to appreciate what it was like to have access to an infant whenever I wanted it. I wish I would have appreciated that more. I now look at them and they are young women, not really even children anymore. I think we really expect people to stay the same. I realized that would be sad. We aren't meant to slug around this world, we are meant to grow. So, we have to let-go and enjoy babies becoming women, people making changes in their own lives that might affect our relationship with them. I am humbled by the mothers they will be. By the young women they are becoming.
When I was began dating I knew whomever I would marry I would also be marrying his family. I watched family after family be torn apart and never repaired because they couldn't make it work with the "in-laws." I guess there wouldn't be so many jokes about it if there wasn't some major truth to it. I knew I needed to have a different experience. I really, really wanted to love my in-laws. I met Darren's dad first, as he was the Bishop of my new ward in Utah. I noticed 2 things.....how he always looked you in the eye, and how genuine he seemed. When I finally met Darren, I knew his parents and his brother well. Not long after we were married, his mom and I were having a conversation about our families and we noticed a similar name. After a little research we found out where we were related. So really, we were family already. :o) Although we have had to work through our share of in-law struggles, I have great love and respect for Darren's family. I am grateful his Mom has been part of my village. I am a better cook because of her. She's so fun to tease because she has an absolutely contagious laugh. His mom would sell you on Ebay to get to your baby because of her great gift to nurture. Although our roles with her are different than other relationships in her world as we don't need her to take us to Dr appointments, or clean our house, or make our dinner, or tend our kids.......we love and appreciate the authentic and genuine person she is. One who is an important part of our lives. Not for what she can do for us, but for the beautiful threads she brings to our tapestry.