My Body Has Been Taken Hostage.....

So, I have an ego. I didn't realize this until recently. For those of you who are on their 12th baby in 5 years, you'll have to just indulge my fascination with this whole process of pregnancy.
One of my least favorite words in all creation is "assume." Just ask my poor husband. There are days I can loathe the word. Luckily, I also assume much more than I think I do.
For example, I really thought that since I inherited my mother's hair, her eyes, and many other qualities, I would automatically inherit her ability to be a pioneer-type pregnant woman. You know the kind. They get pregnant really easy, they look amazing even pregnant, they aren't sick ever, they can still mow the lawn at 40 weeks, and have a labor that lasts all of 15 minutes and then they are back to their normal routine. Not so, with the daughter. Wow.
My cousin and I both have mothers like that. Hers happens to be my mother's oldest sister. In the last 2 months when Darren has texted me asking what I am doing my usual answer is "praying for death." Or "praying for death over the toilet."
My ego got in the way.....I thought my experience would be like my dear mother's. Nope. I've had my share of surgeries and health stuff and flu and and and and......it's nothing compared to morning sickness, which is a big fat lie, since it lasts for 3 solid months steady. No break. All day, all night, holy cow.
The part that is fascinating to me is how I am just dragged along for the ride. I don't get to choose anymore what I want for dinner. I don't get to choose what outfit I can wear anymore. I have this aversion to noise, my computer, and for a person who appreciates autonomy......this baby knows when Darren isn't home. And we both miss him terribly even when he's only gone for the day. It's such a weird feeling to watch my tummy grow, without my consent, and our little one is clear about what I can and cannot eat or do. It's amazing.
I feel very grateful for this experience. I'm grateful for the blessing of waiting. I know it has helped me not take it for granted. Every new facet is fascinating to me. What I am averse to that I wasn't before. It will be fascinating to see if any of this is a pre-game show of the personality of this little one. It's amazing to me, that even at this stage, they come with their own personality. Okay.....that's all. :o)

Miracles....

For those of you who don't know yet, Darren and I found out about 2 weeks ago that I am pregnant. In fact, I am about 14 weeks and due in March.For us, after 11 years of trying, hoping, wondering, doctors, needles, money, money, needles, worry, loss, failed adoptions, etc.......it is a miracle on a scale grander than we would dare expect or hope for.
I began to wonder if I needed to wrap my mind and heart around never being a mother. How do you do that? It's like trying to wrap around being a panther. A piece of who you are, would be missing.

As I look back on this process that has brought me in touch with levels of emotion I didn't know I was capable of, I am grateful for those who have shared their candle of faith with me. I've not experienced a process more excruciating than this one. Without my cousin Leslie constantly telling me there are babies coming....there are babies coming, I might have thrown in the towel sooner. Without my niece Megan asking Darren EVERY TIME she saw him, when we were going to have a baby, he might have too. Without my dear Declo friends always looking out for me and being such beautiful examples of emotional and physical support, the weight on my heart might have too much. The support of my husband, and my Mom, and my friends Janet & Cecile before this baby came and during these past few months has been truly vital. Truly.

I'm not sure what changed in the math of our equation. Why now? And I don't really care, but I find it fascinating. We took a pause from doing any fertility treatments in January. We (I) thought maybe it was time to stop altogether. So to become pregnant without any "trying", or planning, or tests, or blood work....just out of the blue, is truly a miracle.

I know it's difficult to really get if you've not spent the time we have pursuing this, but I think we all know what it is like to long for something. To feel that a piece is missing. To wonder what more you could be doing. If you are a mother, imagining your life without the children you have and what that would mean to you. We all have those struggles and those moments.

I know I have learned much and am grateful for those who stay the path, amidst the adversity. Who take the high road when they have every reason not to. Who are good in deed not just in word. Thank you for being part of my journey.....