Miracles....

For those of you who don't know yet, Darren and I found out about 2 weeks ago that I am pregnant. In fact, I am about 14 weeks and due in March.For us, after 11 years of trying, hoping, wondering, doctors, needles, money, money, needles, worry, loss, failed adoptions, etc.......it is a miracle on a scale grander than we would dare expect or hope for.
I began to wonder if I needed to wrap my mind and heart around never being a mother. How do you do that? It's like trying to wrap around being a panther. A piece of who you are, would be missing.

As I look back on this process that has brought me in touch with levels of emotion I didn't know I was capable of, I am grateful for those who have shared their candle of faith with me. I've not experienced a process more excruciating than this one. Without my cousin Leslie constantly telling me there are babies coming....there are babies coming, I might have thrown in the towel sooner. Without my niece Megan asking Darren EVERY TIME she saw him, when we were going to have a baby, he might have too. Without my dear Declo friends always looking out for me and being such beautiful examples of emotional and physical support, the weight on my heart might have too much. The support of my husband, and my Mom, and my friends Janet & Cecile before this baby came and during these past few months has been truly vital. Truly.

I'm not sure what changed in the math of our equation. Why now? And I don't really care, but I find it fascinating. We took a pause from doing any fertility treatments in January. We (I) thought maybe it was time to stop altogether. So to become pregnant without any "trying", or planning, or tests, or blood work....just out of the blue, is truly a miracle.

I know it's difficult to really get if you've not spent the time we have pursuing this, but I think we all know what it is like to long for something. To feel that a piece is missing. To wonder what more you could be doing. If you are a mother, imagining your life without the children you have and what that would mean to you. We all have those struggles and those moments.

I know I have learned much and am grateful for those who stay the path, amidst the adversity. Who take the high road when they have every reason not to. Who are good in deed not just in word. Thank you for being part of my journey.....