These Babies of Ours

The last month and a half has been filled with end of the year stuff for both Makenna and Darren.  Losing the baby increased our stress load by quite a bit for a few weeks.  It's such a strange feeling to go through something like this and then come out of it and try and rejoin your life from before.  I am finding that, for me, I just can't.  This experience, however common, has changed me.  My sensitivity to unkindness is greater and my tolerance for it is lower. My gratitude for tiny things and my desire to shed the unnecessary worry or negativity of the day to day has increased.  
This little girl here, has been such a lift.  She is sensitive and gentle and yet so much fun.  She makes me want to take her everywhere, show her everything, and kiss her non-stop.  I've convinced her that she still needs a little nap in the afternoon so I could snuggle with her.  I absolutely love being her mother.  Even when she gets annoyed with me and calls me Stepmother.  Little punk.

For Memorial Day we decided to go over to the Park where they honored the veterans.  There is a whole forest of flags they set up down by the river and it's so inspiring to see.  I just love our flag, and what it stands for.





 

 Miss Makenna "graduated" from preschool. Which just means that there was a ceremony for the kids to feel closure.  We have loved Miss Rebekah.  She's a perfect fit for Makenna.  She's kind, patient, and well educated so she knows what she's doing.  She's made so much progress this year and I feel a lot less concerned about Kindergarten.  

This little monkey is my favorite snuggle buddy, ever.  Going through this last month would have been much more difficult.  Some days I wonder how I could be so lucky.  He is literally the sweetest, most happy, mush face ever.
I had no idea that my heart could expand this much.  I love my job.

How Beautiful Life Is

I didn't know if I'd be ready to share this so soon, but it seems I am.  
I found out I was pregnant the first of March (ish). It took 11 years to get Makenna here, and then another 4 to get Christian here, so we don't prevent pregnancy.  Christian had just turned 1, and I was excited to have two a little closer together and my due date was right after Thanksgiving.  It was so perfect and happened so fast.  We were thrilled!  
I went in for my first ultrasound (this photo was taken from that) and amidst all the tissue and stuff you "see" in an ultrasound video, I see my little one who looks in this picture, like a tiny kodiak bear.  :)  Something else I saw....this tiny peanut and this even tinier heartbeat.  It's amazing to me, that even at that very beginning stage, that heartbeat is undeniable.  It's such a beautiful thing to behold.  Life.  A new life was coming to our family.  I could have watched that video all day.  It's still something I never tire of.  Since my previous Dr  had retired and he was on a mission in Tennessee, I was scared about where to go and who to go to.  So Cecile asked her brother Jeff if he would take me, and he did.
Dr. Jeff put me on a slew of oils and vitamins and then some medicine for nausea as I am one of those lucky one-percenters to have Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  It's the most intense morning sickness there is.  It's all day, and often all night.  With two little ones I don't have time to go into the hospital periodically for IV treatment.  This medicine helped a lot.  
Dr. Baker said he wanted to see me again around week 10 just to make sure everything was looking all right and make sure I was feeling okay.  He said the fact that I was so sick, was actually a really good sign.  So, week 10 I head in for my next ultrasound and appointment with the Dr.  I'm laying there in the ultrasound room and Darla (the tech) says "okay!  Let's check and see if this pregnancy is viable."  I thought to myself "well of course it's viable.......everything is awesome!"  And just as that thought passed, the monitor came up and I couldn't see that beautiful heart working so hard.  Nothing was moving.  And then Darla said "I'm not finding a heartbeat, Jenn." I just thought, "well, you aren't looking in the right spot.  Try a different angle.  This CANNOT be happening!!  We are almost through the 1st trimester.  Something is wrong with your machine."  Even though......the Spirit was trying to comfort me even then.  Darla then said that it probably had happened yesterday (Sunday) because the growth age was just a day off and growth wise, the baby looked great.  
I went in to get dressed and all I could think was, don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.  I needed that time to be private and with my Father in Heaven.  The nurse said Dr. Jeff wanted to visit with me about it, so I waited in the exam room, trying my best to keep my emotions in check.  When he came in he explained that the chromosomes hadn't split evenly when the egg split.  The chances of carrying this baby to full term were pretty low.  I guess there was some swelling around her head amongst other things that made survival really unlikely.  There was peace in getting some answers from him, as I assumed first and foremost it was my fault and I had done something wrong.  I had no idea what, but my baby died while inside me, that has to be my fault.  Ironically, if it was someone else, I would never feel that way.  Not ever.  But how quickly I felt judgment on myself for this.  I didn't say any of this out loud, but Dr. Jeff was inspired to say right after that line of thought that this is more common than I know.  It happens a lot and this is natures way of taking care of something that won't be able to survive.  I felt gratitude for him.  Information helped ease some of the pain.  I also felt grateful that I wouldn't have a child who probably would have died after birth, the whole time her body being a prison to her soul.  
Right after that we talked about allowing my body to take care of it by itself or scheduling a D&C.  He told me my body most likely could do it on its own, but it could take up to 2-3 weeks for that to happen.  The thought of this baby just barely dying and then going in to a sterile hospital to have it ripped out of me like garbage felt so unholy, so irreverent, and so so unkind that I wouldn't even entertain that.  It felt horrible.  Later, as I pondered on the level of pain of trying to pass it on my own at 10 weeks, I rethought my choice.  Also, trying to do that while being a mother to 2 little ones, I decided that a D&C would be quick, would be safer, and would be a good idea to clean everything out and make sure I was okay.  
When I went in 2 days later to get prepped for surgery, I felt calm and peaceful about my choice.  I knew that little spirit was with her Father, and that she has never known pain or fear, and knew that even at the size of a gummy bear, she was loved by her mother.  When Dr. Jeff came in to tell me what was going to happen, he was kind and tender with me.  I knew he would be respectful of my body and that he would take good care of me so I could resume my responsibilities at home with my other two babies.  I had the very best nurses taking care of me.  I've had good and kind neighbors and friends so willing to help me.  My mother has been a huge help as well. So today, take a few moments and hug your children, speak soft words to your spouse, be patient and gentle with an aging parent.  

January 2016

Our New York Trip-July 2015

When Darren's parents talked seriously about a mission, we knew that wherever they went, we wanted to come see them.  Darren and I traveled quite a bit before our kids came and we loved it.  The world is so rich with things to learn, cultures to appreciates, places to see that are both special to us and rich in history.  We want our kids to be comfortable with a life different than they see each day.  I also believe we, as Americans, can be terrible global citizens because we have so much and are so blessed.  Although this wasn't outside of the U.S., New York is a melting pot of diversity and we were anxious to go.

Our plan was to go to much sooner than July.  But a little boy, ahem, decided that the timing was good for him to come to our family.  For those of you who know us, you know that I get sick when I'm pregnant.  With this little one, I was SO sick.  I considered it a victory to go in to see Dad for my check ups and not to lose any weight that week.  It made me nervous.  So flying on an airplane for most of the day, wasn't going to happen.  Our only option was to wait until after he was born, and when Darren could leave work.  It was July.  

We do feel like superheroes for taking our kids that far, that young but in all honesty, they did really well.  One of the days we went in to Manhattan.  Terry and Marilyn had some fellow missionary friends who had an apartment in Manhattan.  They were going to be there with Christian while we took Makenna to see Lion King on Broadway.  

From their apartment, this is Central Park.  I love how, although it's in the middle of NYC, it's just loaded with trees.  It's like giant broccoli out there.

Us, out on the balcony.  No, I didn't plan on all of us to be wearing a variation of orange or strips.  So funny that it worked out that way though.

A view from the apartment, you can see the angel Moroni atop the Manhattan temple.

This is the view of the temple from the street.  It's so odd to have a temple in downtown NYC, but also so fun.  

This restaurant we went to had this behind the front desk.  It a waterfall with statues attached to it in different stages of diving.  It's very random and odd but it was so cool.

Time Square!  There was so much happening here.  I could have sat down in the middle of everything and had something new to watch all around me.  It is quite amazing.

Outside the theater for the Lion King.  She looks a little freaked out but it may have been all the noise and people.

As we were coming up the escalator, this mask was hanging on the wall behind us.  It's SO cool!

She wasn't so sure about the costume behind she and Daddy.  It made me giggle that she kept looking behind her.  It's as if she expected it to get her.  :o)  It was a week of firsts for her and it's a lot to take in as an adult, let alone a 4 year old.

I thought she would like the show but I had no idea that she would eat it up like she did.  Our show started late and ended late and at the intermission she asked me if there was more of the show.  She LOVED it and I was so happy we decided to take her.  

One of the cool cars we saw outside the pizza place we ate at by Darren's parents apartment.  

A little shop that sold some fun decor and treats.  They also had an on site pen with goats and chickens.  Just a fun little country store.

I loved this sign.....I should've just bought it but the thought of having to drag one more thing around an airport made me shudder.

Old Glory hanging from the bridge during the 4th of July.  It was so amazing to be there during the holiday.

A Yankees game!!!  It was so fun!  And guess who sang the National Anthem?  The MoTab!!!

Our sweet babies faces at the game with the stadium behind them.  Oh how I love this little family of mine.

She got her new Yankees hat and had to show me her moves while we waited for food.  Oh my gosh, I want to kiss her face off most of the time.

I tried to do a star shape in her hair for the 4th.  It turned out all right.  Not as great as it showed on Pinterest, but what is?

Fresh mangoes cut for me by Darren's Dad.  I was in heaven....no kidding.  So yummy.

MoTab performing at Westpoint right before the fireworks that were right above us!  It was remarkable!

It was a unique and special experience to be in NYC and Westpoint.  It was amazing anyway but even more so to be there during the celebration of the birth of our country.  There is so much history there and although they won't remember it, to teach it to our children.  Darren's Dad has always been so generous with us.  This trip wasn't any different.  He drove us all over creation, set-up opportunities for us to see the sights and have any experience we wanted to have while we were there.  It was so nice to have the time to be with he and Marilyn after 17 months of not seeing them.