How Beautiful Life Is

I didn't know if I'd be ready to share this so soon, but it seems I am.  
I found out I was pregnant the first of March (ish). It took 11 years to get Makenna here, and then another 4 to get Christian here, so we don't prevent pregnancy.  Christian had just turned 1, and I was excited to have two a little closer together and my due date was right after Thanksgiving.  It was so perfect and happened so fast.  We were thrilled!  
I went in for my first ultrasound (this photo was taken from that) and amidst all the tissue and stuff you "see" in an ultrasound video, I see my little one who looks in this picture, like a tiny kodiak bear.  :)  Something else I saw....this tiny peanut and this even tinier heartbeat.  It's amazing to me, that even at that very beginning stage, that heartbeat is undeniable.  It's such a beautiful thing to behold.  Life.  A new life was coming to our family.  I could have watched that video all day.  It's still something I never tire of.  Since my previous Dr  had retired and he was on a mission in Tennessee, I was scared about where to go and who to go to.  So Cecile asked her brother Jeff if he would take me, and he did.
Dr. Jeff put me on a slew of oils and vitamins and then some medicine for nausea as I am one of those lucky one-percenters to have Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  It's the most intense morning sickness there is.  It's all day, and often all night.  With two little ones I don't have time to go into the hospital periodically for IV treatment.  This medicine helped a lot.  
Dr. Baker said he wanted to see me again around week 10 just to make sure everything was looking all right and make sure I was feeling okay.  He said the fact that I was so sick, was actually a really good sign.  So, week 10 I head in for my next ultrasound and appointment with the Dr.  I'm laying there in the ultrasound room and Darla (the tech) says "okay!  Let's check and see if this pregnancy is viable."  I thought to myself "well of course it's viable.......everything is awesome!"  And just as that thought passed, the monitor came up and I couldn't see that beautiful heart working so hard.  Nothing was moving.  And then Darla said "I'm not finding a heartbeat, Jenn." I just thought, "well, you aren't looking in the right spot.  Try a different angle.  This CANNOT be happening!!  We are almost through the 1st trimester.  Something is wrong with your machine."  Even though......the Spirit was trying to comfort me even then.  Darla then said that it probably had happened yesterday (Sunday) because the growth age was just a day off and growth wise, the baby looked great.  
I went in to get dressed and all I could think was, don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.  I needed that time to be private and with my Father in Heaven.  The nurse said Dr. Jeff wanted to visit with me about it, so I waited in the exam room, trying my best to keep my emotions in check.  When he came in he explained that the chromosomes hadn't split evenly when the egg split.  The chances of carrying this baby to full term were pretty low.  I guess there was some swelling around her head amongst other things that made survival really unlikely.  There was peace in getting some answers from him, as I assumed first and foremost it was my fault and I had done something wrong.  I had no idea what, but my baby died while inside me, that has to be my fault.  Ironically, if it was someone else, I would never feel that way.  Not ever.  But how quickly I felt judgment on myself for this.  I didn't say any of this out loud, but Dr. Jeff was inspired to say right after that line of thought that this is more common than I know.  It happens a lot and this is natures way of taking care of something that won't be able to survive.  I felt gratitude for him.  Information helped ease some of the pain.  I also felt grateful that I wouldn't have a child who probably would have died after birth, the whole time her body being a prison to her soul.  
Right after that we talked about allowing my body to take care of it by itself or scheduling a D&C.  He told me my body most likely could do it on its own, but it could take up to 2-3 weeks for that to happen.  The thought of this baby just barely dying and then going in to a sterile hospital to have it ripped out of me like garbage felt so unholy, so irreverent, and so so unkind that I wouldn't even entertain that.  It felt horrible.  Later, as I pondered on the level of pain of trying to pass it on my own at 10 weeks, I rethought my choice.  Also, trying to do that while being a mother to 2 little ones, I decided that a D&C would be quick, would be safer, and would be a good idea to clean everything out and make sure I was okay.  
When I went in 2 days later to get prepped for surgery, I felt calm and peaceful about my choice.  I knew that little spirit was with her Father, and that she has never known pain or fear, and knew that even at the size of a gummy bear, she was loved by her mother.  When Dr. Jeff came in to tell me what was going to happen, he was kind and tender with me.  I knew he would be respectful of my body and that he would take good care of me so I could resume my responsibilities at home with my other two babies.  I had the very best nurses taking care of me.  I've had good and kind neighbors and friends so willing to help me.  My mother has been a huge help as well. So today, take a few moments and hug your children, speak soft words to your spouse, be patient and gentle with an aging parent.