The Joys and Fears of Motherhood

 The last month or so, at our house, has been a little unsteady for many reasons.  Baby Girl is teething.  Her little gums are working so hard on getting tooth number 5 and 6 (at least) through.  We went to Utah during this time and it seems to have unraveled the routine we had established so beautifully before, for eating and sleeping.  

   As Darren and I are very fond of sleep and clearly, not people who function well on 6 hours of sleep, we are a bit pooped.  Striving for a Masters degree and working full time have assisted in our tiredness and we are often humbled by those who are doing much more than we are, with many more little bodies than we have.  

   However, each day, I am blessed with glimpses of the past.  As if having my own Scrooge visitors that rewind time, I ponder on my life before She came.  A life that was good, and filled with love, and very purposeful.  And then She came and my purpose changed as it became so much deeper, required so much more of my own soul, and filled it with a love and purpose I have never ever known.

   Darren and I are M*A*S*H fans, and on one particular episode everyone at the 4077 was stressed and tired and a bit edgy.  As it common, they began comparing themselves to each other, trying to feel justified and understood in how hard it was for "me" to be here in Korea.  Hawkeye said how he hadn't seen his father in a lot longer than BJ had seen his wife and baby girl.  At which point, BJ nearly choked on his words as he said "You really think that is the same thing???"  At nearly the same time Margaret reminded BJ that it is because he had so much more to lose, because he was given so much more.

   And there I felt the danger of abundance......

So I spend my day worrying about everything that can go wrong, everything that could happen to my own Gift from heaven.  As will come many time, I am at a fork in the road where I can obsessively worry or I can enjoy and reverence that I am blessed to be her mother.  I am good at worry.  I am great at anticipating any possible hazard or catastrophe to my family.  Fortunately, I have been blessed with great faith.  I believe a large part of Her coming, was the faith of her mother.  In my gratitude and in my joy, I sometimes forget the other side of motherhood.                                                                    The side where you watch your child fight cancer......and lose before she sees her 8th birthday (my friend).  Or the side where you get word that your daughter is missing and you wait all night terrified, only to be told that she has drown and will never see her 2nd birthday (another friend).  Or the side where you watch your son contract spinal meningitis (before his 1st birthday) because of one immunization that wasn't given and who will forever be severely disabled (yet, another friend).  

   There is a deep and powerful strength that comes to a mother.  I have witnessed it for myself.  I have felt it and I STILL am in awe of these women with whom I share a title.  I worry that I am living up to that title, having not been to the depths of darkness that they have.  I worry more that I could be asked, like Abraham, to place my child on His altar.  I know that my control is limited in this matter, and so I use these teachers to remind me of what is most important.  I ponder these women and in my mind, I picture them encircled about in His arms to comfort and strengthen them in a way that only He can do.  I pray every day to be grateful, to release what is unimportant, to enjoy every single moment, and to forgive myself when I fall very, very short.  Sometimes we spend to much time with our faces to the pavement and forget to stop, stand up, look up, breathe deeply, and take in all the glories that are poured upon us every day.  And so I will keep practicing.....

A Little Birthday Girl.....(about 3 months ago....) *cough

Life at our house has been a wee bit busy the last 4 months, and I'm a loser and didn't take pictures of my daughter's first birthday.  Sigh.  I'm so grateful for my mother and my cousin Leslie, who actually remember to document those precious moments you can't ever get back.   
I've already done a post about what She has taught me.  This is a post mostly for pictures.  I am compelled, however, to add some beautiful Makenna-isms I have been blessed to witness. She is a very easy, very happy child.  

"Fire......ooooo, I LOVE fire!"

To have someone love you, like this little face, is the purest form of joy.  

Starting out so careful....

Bring it on!!

She loves to use food as shampoo and conditioner....

A quick bath in the sink in front of her guests.....She loves water.  Loves it.  Leslie's camera captured the drops so well!

How adorable is this little bird mouth??

"Oh please bless I won't get water in my beautiful eyes!"

After her bath....presents!!  Everyone was too generous!  She was not left wanting.  In presents or love.

My sweet brother, Jake, got her this seal.....whom we keep mistaking as Elphie our cat.

My niece, my 94 year- old Grandmother, my mother in law.....such an odd composition of people so comfortable with each other on a couch, but if you know us, you know it's just perfect.

Makenna loves.....

*to have a bath

*dried blueberries

*to bother Oliver even amidst biting and whacking from him

*snuggle time with Mommy

*climbing over Mommy while she's on the floor

*when Daddy comes home from work and expects to be acknowledged and loved on immediately

*the freedom of crawling and now the freedom of walking

*hot dogs

*playing outside

*laying on Elphie....the other cat who is so patient with Makenna

*Grandma Suze

*her blankie made by Grandma Cecile

*flirting with strangers

*reading with Mommy

Makenna isn't very fond of....

*church being 3 hours long

*pureed baby food....we went from breast, to bottle, to whatever we are eating

*having to wait for her diaper to be changed

*the vaccum

*Mommy gone for too long

*applesauce or peaches.....so far

This baby girl has brought so much joy and purpose to my life.  Some days I have twinges of guilt, because I get to be a mother.  Guilt because I get to be HER mother.  And sometimes just fear that this beautiful life I have been given will be taken away.  I love this beautiful, messy, smiley, fussy, bundle of pure joy and I can't imagine my life without her.  Happy Birthday, my sweet daughter.....

Lessons SHE Has Taught Me

I am still waiting on pictures from Baby Girl's birthday party, but I wanted to post a few things that this little miracle baby has taught her mommy this past year.
As I mother my sweet daughter I have found that she is teaching me all the time. Sometimes it's a matter of reminding me of those day to day things that are important. Sometimes she is helping me experience something I didn't have at her age. Sometimes it's a reminder to take the time in the little moments, because they are rushing by, and once gone we just can't get them back.
So, I have seen my world anew through the eyes of a child, and it takes my breath away.
Makenna has reminded me......
*Chores are part of this life. They teach us responsibility, how to love work, and help us to build our character, but sometimes you just gotta sit IN the laundry and take a break.....


*Who needs FAO Schwarz, when you have a sturdy office box? Well, and Grandma to make it fun!


*Perfect hair is overrated. Spend a little less time worrying about how you look and a little more time on how you feel. Have fun and appreciate this marvelous little body you have been given. It's perfect!


*Oh, the nurturing a full belly, warm sunshine, and soft blankie can have on the soul.

*The people who love you might have a laugh or two at your expense, but it's totally based on love.

*The bathtub can be a water park wonderland if you stop long enough to just enjoy it.

*Sometimes you think you know it all and end up getting in a little over your head. It's okay to ask for help. It's even okay to pleeeeead!

*Oh, the magic of Christmas......the magic of those things that money cannot buy. The magic, the lights, the sounds and smells.....don't forget to take it all in and keep it close, because Jesus is there.

*Remember what it is like to nuzzle me.....how I smell, the sounds I make. And how much does my Daddy love me.

*The value of being held closely by someone who loves you so much. Don't be quick to pull away. It is a moment to be reverenced.....

Letters To God

As part of a challenge from a friend recently, I have pondered on the concept of if we could could write letters to God, and He could write back, what would both letters contain? As a lifelong member of earth life, my surroundings and teachers have mostly all taught the practice of kneeling, asking, waiting to receive, watching, and keeping a prayer in our hearts as we go about the living of this life.

Prayer is a letter to God, just not on paper. As I receiving inspiration, experiencing "lucky moments" that have nothing to do with luck, those who walk among us and carry with them our answer, as well as the written scriptures are all letters back from Him to us.

So, outside of that, if we could truly write a letter, and get an actual response.....what would they be?

As we are all on different paths, and differing places on those paths, I know that my thoughts and feelings during a new experience would be level 1 compared to someone who is a seasoned walker on this particular path.

For example, at the beginning phases of our struggle to get Baby Girl here, my prayers were filled with worry.

"Please don't let there be anything wrong...."

"What are we missing? What aren't we doing?"

"You can't seriously expect me to serve in nursery AND be surrounded by friends and family who are all bunny rabbits?????"

Then you'd be at one of those lovely sacrament meetings where they were blessing a baby, and inside I'd long for a day like this but never feel less than thrilled for those new parents. Just a longing to be part of the path they were on. That is until you get one of the new dad's mother or father who get up and say "how proud they are of their son.....". You sit there waiting for more, but that's it. Proud of what? Biology? Yep, then my blood pressure would rise just a bit.

My sister-in-law Miranda, posted awhile ago on her blog about the changing experiences of sacrifice for her and her family. It was spot on and brilliantly written. As I got more seasoned on this path, I found a few things interesting. My prayers began to change.

"....Help me to more fully trust this process and to trust Thee....."

".....Help me to see the blessings of this trial....."

"Hannah, Sara, Elizabeth, Rachel.....and me....pretty good company and all had miracle babies"

I grew to know, absolutely know, that this challenge had everything to do with his love for me. At the beginning, I felt forsaken, I felt I hadn't been or done enough. I felt unworthy in His eyes but had no idea what I had done or how to fix it. At the end, I felt this challenge was a way to bless me in facets I'd never even thought about or knew I needed. I felt overwhelmed with gratitude as I would see His face in the faces of the children around me. This last year of my sweet baby's life, I can honestly say I have probably 3 small instances where I wish I would have been a little more patient, otherwise, I have enjoyed every. single. moment. I have delighted in every part of her little body, her little achievements, her personality, and have been blessed to see her at times, as He sees her.

As I have come through that, it not only helped in my world as a Mommy, but has helped me to take time in my relationships with others. It has helped me see parts of others as He sees them. It has helped me to take time to be still. To nurture the soul as I take some one on one time with Him. It's helped me value life a little differently.....even the life of a small creature.

I still have much, much work left to do and I know more challenges will cross my path, but I am trying to see the details in those challenges. To see His hand in it, because I promise you, it is there.

Going Private

I found, under my blog stats, that there was a posting of baby girl and referred back to our blog......and the site was one of those that promotes the wicked and evil in this little world we live on. So we are going private as of this moment. If I don't have your email and you want to be added to the list, email me at trustjenn@yahoo.com. Remember that we just changed our email lists and everything with the move, so if you aren't added, it's because my lists aren't all synced into one yet. So, email me.

Happy Spring!

Just In Case YOU Have Forgotten.....

President Uchtdorf (or President Haagen Dazs as we called him when he was first called) has always been a favorite of mine. But he's quite German in his ability to control his emotions. I love all the pieces that make him who he is, but his tenderness about womanhood was just a sweet thing to witness.

If our Father in Heaven loves us even half as much as I love my sweet baby girl.....it would be an impossibility to be forgotten.

The Beauty of One Life

I should probably pull my thoughts together before I write this post. However, when we experience a moment that forever changes you, it's best to put your thoughts to paper while everything is fresh. We always hope we will never forget, but we are human and we aren't getting any younger or any less busy.

This last weekend we went to Utah. We went to Utah because my brother-in-law, my healthy brother-in-law, passed away suddenly from complications from a massive tumor in his brain. A tumor he never knew was there. As I have pondered and prayed about this whole experience, many insights have come in those quiet moments of pondering and meditation.

Mike, my brother-in-law, left behind a beautiful family, many goals and experiences unseen, and many many people who are still reeling from the shock of this.

Mike married Camille (Darren's sister), just over a year before I married Darren.

Then, a year later, Darren's other sister married. For a little while, we were kind of all experiencing the same things and in similar stages of life. It was so fun!! We took a family vacation to Mount Rushmore, and I can't remember a more fun trip with these 2 women who have become my sisters.....and their husbands, my brothers.

Mike has one of those senses of humor that you aren't sure sometimes if he's serious or just messing with you. He's like my Dad, actually. And they are both usually

messing with you. He was always welcoming and kind. Always. Remembering some of the things we talked about over the years I KNOW a few things about him. I know that he loved Camille. They found each other a little later than most Utah marriages happen and had both have come from some differing life experiences, and so maybe that deepened his love for her. He knew the value of a companion like Camille. Marrying her was the best thing he ever did. Two more magnificent people came into his life when Camille had their 2 children, Brock and Jamie.

There are days that I change a diaper or pay a bill and think, my sweet sister (in law) is a widow. You are NOT supposed to be a widow at 42! I think of all the rites of passage that Mike will miss. All the events he won't see. There are days I see the mailman or hear the neighbors working on their deck and I think "how does life just go on like business as usual??" Shouldn't the world stop?

I watched Camille plan a funeral. I watched her help her children understand this, with a wisdom and a gentleness I am still working on. I watched her comfort others. I watched her allow all of us into that place in your heart where lie all things reverent. I watched her rely on her Savior like Job did. I found myself praying that I could be half the woman she is by the time I'm 70.

In a way, I get to see Camille everyday.....because my daughter has her eyes. I noticed it when Makenna began smiling. If you cover everything but her eyes you know she's smiling. Her big blue eyes turn into little half moons when she smiles, just like Aunt Camille's do. As I have looked into those eyes this last weekend, I see the faith of Hannah, the resolve of Esther, the kindness of Mary, and the wisdom of Elizabeth.

Each day I feel like Nephi as I also "do not understand the meaning of all things. But I know that the Lord loveth his children."

I know that Camille is one of His favorite children. I also know that it is through challenges of this magnitude that we are offered a chance to see His face and see through the eternities, differently. The day to day is never the same. Life is delicate and precious. It is through these difficulties that we see things more like He sees them. Each day I thank Mike for being part of our family. I thank him for his example of being prepared for anything. I thank him for Brock and for Jamie. I thank him for making me laugh and always taking people as they come. I thank him for helping me to reverence life differently than I ever have. I thank him for helping me value my family more deeply and love my covenants with greater strength. Because life is delicate......and precious......and can change so quickly.

The Gift of Voice

I have pondered, a lot, on some things this last month. Trying to post this in a blog can be interesting but I'll attempt to make a little sense. In my youth, and even sometimes today, I had the tendency to speak or act before engaging the brain. Thus, I often was surprised at the consequences....both good and not so good. So, I spent many years sometimes not saying how I really felt, or adding gallons of sugar to it so by the time I've finished the conversation the other person is left wondering whether we talked about salmon, Hawaii, or the news.

In my old age, I now realize that how I feel is important, in fact vital, for me. My feelings will change if they need to as I grow and mature both spiritually and emotionally. Life hands us those experiences one after another, as we all know. When engaging with others, oft times it is my delivery that is lacking. So I've tried to work on that and engage from a place of strength. A place where I feel centered, where I've taken into account all the information I can, and a place where I am acting instead of being acted upon.

I have found that engaging too much with "the world" isn't heightening my sensitivity to others in need, to living a better life, to becoming a more seasoned mother, a more patient and forgiving wife, or expecting the best out of people. I am finding that it is making me sick to my stomach, fearful for my daughter, angry at people as a body, and questioning the Lord's position with all this ugliness.

I do not read the newspaper......

I do not watch the news.....

I do not read books that are not enlightening.....

I do not read magazines that promote anything unkind, hurtful, or depressing.....

AND, I am not any less informed than you are. :)

However, my commitment to act is running a little deeper, a bit more clear, and a lot stronger these days.

Example 1:

Grocery shopping with 1 baby, takes 5 hours if done alone. Those of you who do it with 4 kids, I will forever bow for you. So, I wait until Saturday when Darren is home. He is a GREAT team player and knows what we buy. So whether he runs to grab something I forgot or be entertainment for Makenna, he is a huge helper. The drawback is the grocery store is 5 times as crowded. So I get to rub shoulders with MORE people that make my stomach turn. For example, the mother you can hear 3 aisles away calling her children who are 11 and 6 roughly, "idiots" and telling them to "get out of the way of other people" and how she "hopes someone will just run them over." I literally ruined our shopping experience by being a stalker to this woman in the store. One hit, one jerk, one more nasty comment, and I had the police station ready to call. Literally. My iPhone is programmed for situations like this because I am scared to death for what I am not seeing.

Example 2:

Reading in the paper (on the same page about the delightful age of drama queen children during family night) about a 9 year old girl who died because she ate a candy bar and then was forced, by her mother and grandmother to run for 3 hours. The potassium in her body was too low, so she had a seizure and died. She has a 3 year old little brother and her mother just had a baby while awaiting trial in jail. I wept and wept reading this story. I do not CARE if she has 14 mental illnesses. Where are you Dad? Or Judge who awarded custody?? Remember when it was unheard of for mothers to do such things. It was always the step dad? Not anymore. Remember when beautiful young families didn't show up in the news because the young mother/wife mysteriously went missing? Like anyone believes that.

In an attempt to maintain my own joy, to see the possibilities that surround us, to see the hand of God more clearly in my own life, I cannot afford to feel the life sucked out of me by the iniquity of the World. To that end, if you abuse your children in my presence, be prepared for a mother who WILL stand her ground. If you post anything that is offensive, I will block you. If you berate your spouse in my presence, I will stare you down, at the very least, while holding that infamous iPhone. The stare is worse, just FYI....I can kill a cactus with it.

I, also, will not post anything that doesn't make you laugh, make you feel inspired, help you to see the miracles that might surround you, or want you to take your own stand for those who are too innocent to stand for themselves. I figure, if I am following my Savior then there will be times we need to pull out our whips and "cleanse the temple" and times we need to weep with Mary. I am a mother and I am a companion and wife, and I hope in some small way I am a disciple....so, my family isn't the only one I feel compelled to protect.

How I Charm Grandma Out of Her iPhones

It's such a difficult choice. Which iPhone shall I use for my correspondence today? Thank you Grandma, for holding me and letting me use your smart phones. If I have two, is it a "Brilliant Phone?"

Christmas 2011--I know, I know

It's two months late....I realize that. Better late than never seems to be my mantra these days. In my defense, I am very present and involved with my little darling and often that means, less blogging, less picture taking, even. I've got to be better at the latter, as I am worried all these things will pass by, I will enjoy them and be in awe of the little miracle she is, and have absolutely zero documentation of it.

I was SO excited to buy her this wagon. It's ridiculous too, since it's Idaho and we've used it twice. Maybe it should have been a birthday gift. Speaking of which, she turns 1 (yeah, like a whole year old) in less than 3 weeks. Oh. My. Gosh. It goes so fast.

Baby Girl is 11 months today! (sniff)

How To Prepare For Breast Feeding

This day just started out stressful, so I needed a laugh, badly. Here is something I borrowed from Darren's cousin that made me laugh and laugh! This is written by Melissa Balmain, a freelance writer living in Blacksburg, Virginia, is a two-baby nursing veteran.

Day 1-Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.

Day 2-At bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped by a pair of chip clips.

Day 3-Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."

Day 4-Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.

Day 5-Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.

Day 6-Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it."

Day 7-Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.

Day 8-Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.

Day 9-Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an endless loop at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.

Day 10-Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.

Day 11-Go someplace public -- a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building -- and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.

Day 12-Suckle a wolverine.

Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.

Product Review

My dear friend, Cecile, gave this to me as a gift after I had Makenna. She said that the baby's always get gifts, but the mother's don't, so she was bringing the Mommy a gift. I've never used Noodle & Boo products before. This product is a full 10 points.

It's hypoallergenic, not tested on animals (which makes me livid, so it's a good thing), and one little bit goes quite a long way. In fact, I quit using baby lotion on Makenna and we just shared this until it was gone.

It's has a light scent but it smells just like natural ingredients. Nothing "scented" per se.

I LOVE this product and am anxious to try other products in the Noodle & Boo line. It doesn't disappoint.

Hmmmm.....methinks......

Every once in a while, I think "I wonder what so and so thinks about this product" or I wonder if this product is and does what it presents itself to be. I also have people ask me many times, "so you tried that, what did you think?"

So, every so often, I will devote a short post and blurb about a product, company, store, etc...that I have really appreciated and loved. As these will only be posted by personal experience only, you won't have to endure them all the time.....but you never know.....it might be helpful some time for you. :)

Our Year In Pictures...

Our First Christmas

I have spent much time, as most people do this time of year, getting ready for Christmas. It's been such a busy year, that I hope Baby Girl will just remember the fun not all the rushing and schedule mess. I am not a Santa promoter or anti-Santa, as many around us are both.

I was watching a bit of TV when I was making toffee this year, and this celebrity was being interviewed by another celebrity. The interviewer asked her how she and her 2 small children celebrate Christmas, and the interviewee said "Well, we always talk about the Christmas story with our kids. You know, about Santa and the elves and why they live in the North Pole." Sigh. After I returned to my body, I felt sad. Sad that we live in a world where THIS is the Christmas story. Don't misunderstand. Miracle On 34th Street is one of my all time Christmas favorites.....but it is NOT, NOT the Christmas Story.

So, as I've been wrapping and baking and preparing, I've thought a lot about the characters in the story of the birth of our Lord. Last year, I was grateful not to be on a donkey at 6 months of pregnancy.

This year, I have noticed that being a mother has heightened my sensitivity to everything. I have pondered on the role of Mary as she watched her child experience a lifetime (a short one, at that) of pain, betrayal and eventual death. Forget feeling inadequate ALL the time, worried every day, and praying and hoping you are empowering Him to become all He needs to become.

Joseph, delivering a child that is not his own. Raising a child, who probably knows more about everything than you do. Feeling a little left out at times, and other times marveling that you are the stepfather of the Son of God. Talk about pressure.

I marvel as I watch people around me bless the lives of those who have less. I feel humbled that we are a very blessed family of 3, as the holy family was. I weep as I ponder on my friend who lost her little girl this year in a drowning accident and I pray that a huge measure of the Spirit will be in her home as they celebrate Christmas.

I pray that January won't erase the magic that I have felt this year. I pray every. single. day. for a content and grateful heart. From my house to yours, I wish you a very Merry CHRISTmas....

It Goes By So Quickly...

She turns 9 months old, tomorrow.......

How is it that I can blink, and go from this......

to this.....

What did I ever do before you were born, baby girl? You are absolute joy to my soul.....